09:04 - Hooourghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

09:05 - Arrrgghhhhhhhhhh, spew, splatter, burst, explosion, Bleruggghghghghh VOMIT puke Bleurrrghhhhhhh 

09:06  - The putrescent creature that has just ruptured through my chest cavity and is now stroking a bunch of flowers on the floor saying things like "Awwww, bwess the wittle kitty kat!" is the evil bastard scum spawn hell-creature called Office Politics PC Joy Joy. A sick twisted shitty creature that I chose to swallow and allow to breed inside me whilst attempting to integrate with the people of "TowthuLYNE" a nasty colony of scummy little crawlers inhabiting the shitty smelly dirty soul-less side of "Planet Office".  

09:07 - I am a sell out, officially, I gave my soul to this horrible little creature and its been given me nothing but hell on earth in return.

09:08 - I am officially back and NOT happy with these F*CK*RS! They owe me my life back, they owe me respect and dignity, they OWE ME BIG TIME!

09:09 - It is OPEN SEASON on office drones.

09:10 - Starting tomorrow with THE BOSS!

09:11 - This is FallingCarefully inquiring into NOS bottles...that's nitrous oxide systems to anyone out there who isn't on the cutting edge and working out just how much extra boost I can get so when I do impact with the miserable B*tch there's nothing left for her insipid little fiance to cry over, merely a burnt crispy pork smell as the hot blood evaporates on the breeze and the one Mahnolo Blahnik the idiot cow lost as her shredded corpse fragmented in the wake of my impact.

09:12 - Carry on, :)

12:36 - The sun has just come back into view.

12:37 - As a confirmed vampire of the social night-scape crawling over the scaborous world of Londinium by night and completely allergic to all thing "Sun bunny" I am in two minds. Hibernation or SHOCK TACTICS.

12:38 - Howdy folks, FallingCarefully has re-emerged from the ooze. Like a Schizophrenic second half to the insanity of the brain, whenever the population is happy, it seems to be necessary to point out their obvious flaws. Is it a catholic upbringing inspiring the vessel to hate happiness and embrace the burden of sin and guilt everytime something  is good thus enducing a massive rant-o-tack...Course it bloody isn't, I just had my first extra strength death coffee, and like all good addicts, now I've had my fix, I'M BACK ON TOP OF THE WORLD MA!

12:39 - Sod "coulda been", I AM THE CONTENDER! Rahhhhhhh!

12:40 - So where were we...ah yes the sweat shops of Kublai Khan's faded empire, the grotesqueries of the Western need for so much more than is even feasbily possible to accomodate. Case in point. Drought warnings all over Southern Daily Mail Country. But yesterday it rained....do you know how many idiots thought that that meant the drought warning was not needed and a pointless way for the government to "repress us". In God's name, OPINIONS SHOULD BE LICENCED, no expressing one unless you bloody think about it before you open your idiot herd mouth's!

12:41 - Wow, that espresso WAS good....anyone want to join me in a 14th shot before we continue this debate....

12:42 - Honestly, cocaine is dead, long live caffeine....if we do a Dutch to it, and start growing coffee beans hydroponically in tiny little bedsits all over the UK with massive amounts of serious UV lighting and stuff...we could concentrate the little bean until it was of Super Skunk strength...the bottom would drop out of the cocaine market, and the Daily Mail would be happy cos they could appreciate the insanity of being off their head's without fearing they were doing something illegal...a genuine solution to the Drug's problem....anyone got Jack Straw's number...I'll see what he thinks....

12:43 - This is FallingCarefully skating at Mach 1 over the thinest sliver of ice, cos white christmas's will never happen again....I have NO idea what I'm on about, but funk it feels good!

12:44 - Come on, catch up....I swear coffee is LEGAL!!!!!!!! Come on, don't be scared...everyone's doing it....come on....what are you chicken.....yeah that's it.....ha, no don't cough ya woosy...what you never done Super Badger Coffee before....I thought you said were cool dude..... :)

12:45 - Carry on

01:58 - It seems I owe you all an apology

01:59 - Yes it has been awhile, but the adventures do prove worthy. The lies and the things I've listened to do make for interesting listening. Whether we believe them or not is up to us, but you have to listen to hear don't you?

02:00 - Did you know, scientists believe in God? Did you realise that Iran is as aware of political intrigue, and more importantly "spin" as the US, the UK and every other "diplomatically active" nation state? Did you realise how flawed "democracy" actually probably is?

02:01 - When you begin to question the fundamental premise of any person's way of life, you ask some hard questions. If I asked you whether you could survive without petrol, the answer is, of course yes, but whether you are convinved of that right now...is another question...

02:02 - Last time we spoke, I was escaping the clutches of conciousness and embarassing questions relating to washing lines and Tasjikistanee airport security officers...Suffice to say we came to a pleasant reolustion without WMD, invasions, or even any aggro at all.

02:03 - But its not quite enough really is it? Does a readership question its author? How much do you expect when you've come to appreciate a certain quality albeit in my own imagination?

02:04 - I admit I am human and I expect a lot from the authors and artists whose work I admire. Am I falling below standards? The work hasn't inspired me particularly so far...should this suggest something more...

02:05 - This is FallingCarefully spending an evening in front of the desk (of the Sell variety of course) pondering my future...all suggestions gratefully appreciated as your view on a future is surely as good as mine...

02:06 - Thank you.

15:09 - I'm back, did ya miss me?

15:10 - Sure you did, that's why the world of Blog has gone soft, the world of politics has gone flump, and you're stuck with lame ducks like Bush and Bliar with nothing to moan about.

15:11 - The desk stands to this day, but strangely enough you lot appear to be headed in the right direction. I've found websites dedicated to people called "social entrepreneurs". They're a group of people who aren't making crap for profit, they're identifying crappy social issues and making companies that solve those problems NOT FOR PROFIT! Wow, think about it.

15:12 - I mean time have nothing to do. Happy headlines don't work, cos you are a fickle lot. Children get well-educated NEWS FLash...nah not really. Someone saw a doctor and was successfully cured...see...just doesn't work for ya does it?!

15:13 - So anyway, major office clear out, the dust even has dust on it. The evidence behind the desk proved OJ's guilt but that's another story, and the carpet footpaths should be preserved to commemorate the passing of another era. The coffee machine has not been upgraded, so plus ca change eh?

15:14 - Assignments are out there, only now the editor has me at the forefront this could be tricky.

15:15 - "Falling!" he bellowed through poached salmon and scrambly bagels. "Falling, you're the main man, My Street Wise Wiggah, DOOOOD! THe man with the finger on the pulse! I want stories of celebs and ..." at which point I tuned out.

15:16 - You don't really want that do you...if you did sales would remain up on all those stupid morons and their infantile spend-styles. Why do they come and go...cos they bamboozle you with glitz, but then once the shine has worn off, you realise they're just people too.

15:17 - The futures in hobbies... cos you like those, that's why you're prepared to look stupid in front of mates that don't understand cos you've got other mates that you know think just like you and understand every nook and cranny of your weird little worlds. From motorbikes to china elephants, from Train numbers lovingly collected at the end of Platform 17 at Clapham Junction to the brand spanking K-Swiss 12 holes. The celeb is dead, long live the obsessive nerd who collect, who are dedicated, who are totally bloody passionate about something real instead of the wanky life-style of some dickhead they've never met.

15:18 - This is FallingCarefully re-donning my kagoul with pride, cutting the edges of my Mighty White fish past sandwiches, adding a RAISIN Club (No other will do cos Wagon Wheels always sucked) to my Tupperwawre Lunch Box, collecting my 3rd Edition of Trainspotters Weekly from the back of my cupboard and heading for Mecca. Clapham here we come...

15:19 - Oooh a 3NF 7TJA. They discontinued that carriage in 1987 after the crappy BR Bacon Sandwich riots. 4 commuters were badly disgruntled in the ensuing chaos and wrote very stroppy letters to British Rail...Jimmy Saville had to apologise in person.

15:20 - Carry on.

20:35 - It's yet another steaming pile of dung!

20:36 - The Sell Out Generation - warping minds bodies and souls for the good of the future of the little children.

20:37 - Nuts to that malarky, Ozzy Osbourne and that Greek nutbag that corrupted children formulate the basis for this rotting pile of dung and disgraceful detriment.

20:38 - Yes its true, the wisdom and truth of the world you find between the top line and bottom line (whatever happened to turnable paper mulch "pages" eh?) is simply the opinion of one man. One sole indivudal man...admittedly blessed with the MOST common sense of any human on the planet, yes admittedly a genius forced to walk amongst the doe-eyed goons and bring you my faithful readership of the netherworld of intelligence trapped in this hellish reality substitute which bears NO resemblance whatsoever to the televised reality we're flummoxed with on a daily basis.

20:39 - Bear with me folks, struggling through the turds and vomit that spews forth from the mouths of politicians, advertising firms, privately endorsed and subsidised "objective experts"  and PR SCUM takes time, it takes effort and it takes an iron steely soul of gold to not beat the living crap out of all of them. But I do it for you my faithful followers. I sift the scum the crap the turds, the floaters and the bullshit they feed you ALL THE TIME for your own good.

20:40 Christ if you've read this far you know that much already, but here's thanking you for the outlet for my own personal rant-o-file, and here's thanking me on your behalf (cos I know you would if you met me in person, but I'll save you the time and trouble...

20:41 - GET THE EGO ON THIS TWAT EH... :)

20:41 - Be well all! This is FallingCarefully brushing down the velvet Zoot suit, strapping ont he most outrageous pair of Shades ever worn, spreading the cloak of groovy dude round my shoulders and bidding you "Top Saturday Nite"

20:42 - Ciao!

02:16 (am) - Taiwanistanee, Gin and Juice, jetlag time....its one extreme to another in this job isn't it.

02:17 (still am) - My frozen foot thawed out incredibly quickly stood in the police station as I tried to explain to the incredibly unbelieving Officer of Knood's police force just how I managed to survive the airport incident completely unscathed and with a bandage already on my head when the paramedics found me in a laundry basket giggling maniacly.

03:55 (yup...morning) - Still here,still at it, only now my whole body has thawed out and is currently melting down the front of my shirt. Its something about the hot climates that just doesn't work for me. All these beach bunnies must be lizards with ice for blood or something. They need heat to warm up and get going. Personally heat turns me into a hot sticky incapable blob. Give me the frosty ice of an Alpine night out, mid winter with snow falling and a roaring fire in a slope-side chalet any day.

03:56 - That may actually be it if you think about it. All these dead head BMW owners, the one's that love to holiday in Marbella, or Corfu, or Florida whose identity is only truly confirmed when they beat you to the next red traffic light are the morons that need sun, ERGO, they're cold blooded lizards, explaining their lack of emotion, consideration, warmth, friendliness and so on. They're purely interested in financial gain and preening themselves whilst giving themselves skin cancer. Hunter S had it right all along. RIP

03:57 - Meanwhile, Knood's Senior Cop has just brought in more coffee....WHY is it always Nescafe in these places? And has asked through a rather attractive young interpreter for me to tell the whole story from the top again. Well, it all started like this. I FallingCarefully man a desk of rant , trying to fight the legions of tedium and conformity (his face cracks into a smile...)

03:58 - This is FallingCarefully, using my wit and charm to spread the word of the Desk. The Lizard Idiots with their Beamers have been identified. This investigative journey in to the heartland of "The Other Side of the Fence" or "Third World Taiwanistan" as the Consumer Scum Herd like to call it.

03:58:30 - Not only are we learning about the other side, we are learning about our own enemy within. They need heat and sun to survive. We now know more of their weaknesses to help us bring their regime to a timely end before its too late, rothers and sisters of the Nerd Veldt, know thy enemy. Carry this knowledge forward and we shall defeat the scourge of stupidity.

03:59 - To ar..m...s.......Thump....zzzzzzzzzz, zzzzzzzzzzz, Ah, Meestah Forring? Meestah Forring....you have not toe us abou the hirarious Jocks or that coffee story yet....Mr Forring?? ......

04:00 - Carry On

10:13 - Zzzzzzzzzz, wah, zzzzz, hmpf, oh I couldn't....No Mr Stemp not the algebra home work again....zzzz.....hmpf.

10:14 - Clunk, click, Whirrrr, BLAST OF COLD AIR, WaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHH!!! !!!

10:15 -  Dammit someone might have told me you were going to let the bloody undercarriage down! Help Chuck me a line Serge, HELP!!!!!!

10:16 - Phew thanks, wait a minute, this is my modem cable. You didn't unplug it did you? Oh god, I'll have to download those bloody messages all over again. Ah well, thanks anyway.

10:17 - Its that line that connects you to things isn't it. Just think millions of Bloggers and citizens and individuals trapped in their bedrooms, or at their desks at work all writing the same thing..."The reason I like to Blog is", "This is my humble story because", or the eternally famous from the unbelievably insecure, "If you don't like my Blog, sod off!". I mean really...think about it please!

10:18 - Someone has taken all of thirty seconds to read your stuff, and the first thing you tell them is if they don't like it then sod off.... fundamentally that is the root problem with people today.

10:19 - School bullies and the competitive culture of Western "freedumb" and "Dee-muckracy" have left everyone so bloody scared that they're not liked that they assume they aren't, that everyone is against them and that they must fight for their individuality and will do, if someone doesn't like their particular brand of it.

10:20 - HELLO - Whatever happened to live and let live. Did you know, you can actually be friends with people who don't like what you like WITHOUT having to fight them. Did you know that a gay man and a straight man can have a conversation together and it DOESN'T affect either party negatively? The straight guy ISN'T a Poof and the gay guy WON'T be badly affected by the straight guys bad dress sense and passion for football, lager and kebabs. Did you know that a student can talk to a teacher WITHOUT being a teachers pet, or that a man can chat to a woman just as friends, and it doesn't mean he's trying to sleep with her or that his girlfriend should be automatically jealous!

10:21 - ISOLATIONISM is killing us folks. The walls between us and our neighbours are the worst thing imaginable. It stops me finding things out about them, and it stops them finding things out about me. The desk of the Sell Out's London offices are half a mile from Brixton and I've advertised for staff on many occassions, but I have never had an Afro American candidate apply...or black person, or Afro Carribean person...or Negro, or brother, or whatever you choose to call someone with a better natural tan than I have...

10:22 - An intersting one in fact, because it seems strange that people are so HURT by words from people they don't know or respect. If you don't know or respect someone why does their word to describe you bear ANY meaning whatsoever on your life? If I said the N word now (yes that's right, the one you're all thinking) I would probably be fired from the Desk depsite all my good work to date. But why would anyone out there care, is my opinon so important that what I say matters, or could someone who read that word here just ignore and say, it doesn't matter because I know I'm better than that, isn't it a shame Falling is so ignorant? But we don't do we...

10:23 - Were I to use that word in an article, I would be villified and fired for inconsideration to my readership and racism...where I actually think that I would rather my readership were mature enough to ignore such immaturity and get on with life without starting a punch up, which in all honesty that word would start.

10:24 - Where was I...oh yeah...Captain I can explain, you see Serge told me that you said my leg was causing drag, so I broke off the main undercarriage strut to try and remove the crank case icicles from my foot ... yeah crankcase oil... well, it was warmer than the Nescafe you had in those bloody inflight coffee jugs, I thought it would help. Anyway, I didn't realise that ALL the struts were important for the landing gear...oh what are you complaining about, the next flight to Taiwantistan wil be in 5 minutes anyway to take all those sweat shop sneakers back to Yoorp for your kids to fight over anyway, you can hitch a lift...

10:25 - This is FallingCarefully sitting in a pile of freshly laudered silk shirts, wondering just how a 20,000 tonne 767 can fly when the lack of a 3 inch piece of metal can cause the entire flight to crumple on contact with the ground and cartwheel into a building in a ball of spectaular flame whilst rather fortuitously tossing me, the Captain and Serge onto the roof of a Taiwanistanee washerwoman's house by the runway...

10:26 - Carry on...

09:30 - Hi folks, FallingCarefully here. Quick update for those of you that have been away. I am currently 13 miles over the Dutch/French border town of Dijk von Serge in the wheel well of a 767 with my left leg stuck in the undercarriage door. My head is bleeding from repeatedly thumped by a 12 inch crescent wrench wielded by a very camp and extremely ineffective air steward who had been told to "remove the blockage" by the captain, but when he saw how stubbornly determined I was to get free air travel he gave up very quickly.

09:31 - I only have one major concern at this point. My foot has already frozen solid and I've run out of warm crank case oil to try and keep the blood flow going til we reach Taiwanistan..no my only concern is that I don't know how many struts a 767 needs to be able to land safely as I have broken one off in an attempt to dislodge oil icicles which have been dragging on my leg since the English Channel. Hmmmm

09:32 - News meantime, well, at this altitude, you all look very peaceful down there, but I have still nevertheless managed to get under the skin of the editor who is furious that I am, trying to publish over the only server link available. He was trying to check out the latest business news on his super-fly-on-the-move, Bloodberry-Voodoo-Funk-Ra zor-blade techno gizmo, but being a total smart arse and honestly  through no fault of my own, I managed to start uploading on my 28k dog turd modem seconds before he went online...So, only another hour and 20 to go before I finish downloading these three emails...well...it passes the time in the wheel well, what else can I say...?

09:33 - As I watch the tiny little bar crawl at an aggravatingly itchingly annoyingly slow pace across the screen, and ignore the 14th message on my brick sized handset to "bloody get off the link" I'm left to wonder just whether the bigger picture is any better than the up close and personal one.

09:34 - I mean really, there's plenty to be said for ignoring the bigger view and getting on with your life. I mean really, who on earth can actually make a difference any more bearing in mind those in charge don't seem to be bothered with that, and those that can are so obsessed with earning more money, they seem to have no intention of paying any attention to the consequences of their actions....

09:35 - SO go on, quit now, give up, don't sacrifice anything, its not worth it. As the ad says, "Only you are!" Sod the planet, burn the forests, drive three cars and when you're tired of the one you have now, throw it away and get another, resources are endless as far as you are concerned. You are the only person that is of any value. Its true.

09:36 - Now sod off.

09:37 - Where would the world be without the Mother Theresa's and the Gandhi's...somewhere along the line you all mistook that slag Princess Diana for a Mother Theresa and now believe that the continual consumption of wealth and resources means you are good people...she was a devious, vicious, self-absorbed, Sloane Square bimbo that got lucky, then got hurt, and then decided to take revenge...normal person, but with crappy attitude, but JUST BECAUSE SHE HAD HER PICTURE TAKEN WITH LITTLE CHILDREN didn't make her an angel, just cos she knew Mother Theresa and had her picture taken with her, DIDN'T MEAN DIANA WAS AS NICE...it was JUST A GOOD PHOTO OPPORTUNITY.,..and you all bought it! DAMMIT WAKE UP! Wake uppp waakkkkkeeee upppppppp......ppppppp

09:38 - What sorry, where...Listen, the Captain says can you please just try and move your foot a bit so we can get the door shut, and he promises you can have some peanuts...I'll even stop hitting you.

09:39 - This is FallingCarefully wondering if this counts as a moral victory or just a demonstration of the civilised and compromising nature of modern humanity...Have they bent to my will, or are they just better than I am cos they're prepared to negotiate a truce...could I be horribly wrong about you lot after all....NAH COURSE NOT, but hey, there's always hope!

09:40 - This is FallingCarefully seated on top of a 12 foot Michelin Tyre with a travel hairdryer trying not to burn my leg hairs as I thaw the icicles off enjoying 2, not 1, but 2 bags of peanuts and a complimentary fruit based drink as Serge, the camp air steward bandages my head and tuts at my appalling hair cut...

09:41 - Carry on.

14:51 - Bloody cold, is there no heating in these damm wheel wells?

14:52 - Stewardess!  Stewardesssssss!!! No dammit, not you again, stop hitting me with that spanner! Tell the captain, THUNK, OW!!!! no don't tell him ow, just tell him I'm going to complain about this CLUNK, Dammit stop that, Service...if you can even call it that. HEy, wait! That's it? Two thumps, job not done, journalist still trapped in the undercarriage doors and you walk away...? What is going on?

14:53 - Misearble bloody jobs worth! Its the way we breed 'em see. Now that we're all happily ensconsed behind our insta-erection desks with our latest 2.3 upgraded coffee mugs (the old one's just weren't suitably inter-facable with the latest espresso delivery system) we all assume that the world will carry on regardless.

14:54 - In fact, modern consumers are the ultimate demonstration of the fallacy of the hoe and the handle. Its only taken 500 years of developing this moronic solution to warfare to actually get to the nub of the matter.

14:55 - The hoe and the handle is a philosophical theory that describes the best way to stop villages/warring parties or whatever to stop fighting and co-operate. One village makes the hoe and the other makes the handle. IN theory great, but now its time to face the consequences.

14:56 - 1) No one learns to work together and polarised societies become increasingly isolated of each other and never learn to interact, with all the inherently boundary driven sociology that entails...sort of like the battle between the Accountants Department and the Production team who, having been asked to cut corners, have been asked to fill in their own expense forms...talk about a hoo ha from that one... and who bloody pays for this mess? Who but the journo currently flying Package class with a leg doing 670 miles an hour sticking out of an aeroplane developing severe frostbite at 43,000 feet. Anyway...

14:57 - 2) No one watches the bigger picture anymore, because everyone is taught to simply get on with their bit of the job and let someone else worry about who is organising the invitations, or the flowers for the conference tables, or the after conference entertainment.

14:58 - What happens when we're all told to ignore the bigger picture, get on with our jobs and let someone else take responsibility? Yup we all develop TOTALLY self-centred life-styles that ignore the effects we are having assuming an arse-over-tit government (fill in any name of your choice here) will be taking care of things on our behalf.

14:59 - And now the fallacies with this scenario...

15:00 - Crime, poverty, drug laws, multi-national conglomerates, the flagrant destruction of the environment to the point where the actual existence of life on the planet itself is directly threatened, erm graffiti, the social breakdown of communities of people that LIVE NEXT DOOR TO EACH OTHER, alcoholism, loneliness, social isolation, old folks being farmed off to Old Folks Homes in a grotesque Old Folk Battery Farm metaphor, BMW drivers who have to put people's lives in danger jsut so they can sit stationary at the next traffic light because they truly belive that their speed whilst driving is a direct indicator of the success of the choices they have made since they were given a choice...

15:01 - Oooh and let's not forget the totally superficial and cheap tawdry nature of freedom and democracy. Those two modern ethos that apparently we are the masters of, and yet we are wholesale guilty of not up-holding those issues, or ideals and in fafct apparently vote in governments that flagrantly lie, cheat, torture, steal, attack, murder and kill innocents in the name of sharing those ideas....whilst actually just selfishly ensuring the continued survival of our way of life...at least for the next 50 years til all the oil we have just taken control of runs out...

15:02 - Paranoid...no course not. I work in this world, I see and hear this stuff everyday...so do most of you, and if you stopped and thought about it a little, you'd agree, but most people choose not to because the consequence of acknowledging that that is the reality is too much responsibility for most people to bear, hence, Starbucks is the adult version of MacDonalds...a safe have, to discuss the problem but not actually do anything about it. BMW's the adult version of...yup...their first bicycle...the winners toy...first over the line...but what line is that? Come on...someone please...

15:03 - This is FallingCarefully pouring tepid crank case oil down my leg in an attempt to thaw it out and wondering just which part of the undercarriage I can snap off to then use to dislodge the crankcase icicles now hanging heavily on my leg and causing rather a nuisance to the planes aerodynamics. 

15:04 - Carry on.

09:50 - So there I was, in the wheel housing of the 767 gas guzzler (I'd missed my flight and being adventurous had thought about how in all the movies its real easy to stow away in aeroplanes....trust me it isn't...and you don't get peanuts or in-flight movies with a 12 foot high Michelin stuck to your face either) still trying to get to Taiwanistan.

09:51 - There was, admittedly, the obvious question of why?

09:52 - Well, I think its fair to say, two reasons. 1) Something different, and 2) I'm trying to reach you. Ready to hear me out...?

09:53 - Something different - About 12 years ago, myself and 2 other intrepid journalists of the Nerd Veldt had travelled to that glorious empire "The Poo Knighted State of Ham Ram Yica". Back in those days there was a great and noble bleeder by the name of Clill Binton, famous for his cigars and, yes, also his armies. Not much has changed really except for the fact that his wars were to stop human genocide, Shrub's wars today aren't really ... they're more like that time of the tax year when lots of roads get chewed up and rebuilt because budgets have to be spent. In order to keep Ham Ram Yica's army budget up, they got's to use them weapons otherwise, why have so many? Generals in charge of lots of weapons, DON'T like their budgets being cut.

09:54 - Anyway, these intrepid explorers of the human state and I were travelling through the wilderness with our maps, and our insurance and our mobile phones and our sign posts and our pre-packed meals and spare tyres and tool kits in case of emergencies on well-lit, well-travelled roads, just in case anything went wrong, when it occurred to me, the reason I was SOOOOO bored by all this was because it didn't matter what I did, there was NO danger or sense of taking responsibility for myself.

09:55 - Where has all the adventure gone when 60 year old past it men can travel safely in the wilderness with a mobile and a GPS and if they feel the urge to cry for Mommy, some unbelievably under-paid volunteer who's taken the time to learn how to be safe in the wilderness rushes out to rescue them...what the hell is that all about?

09:56 - So, "Something Different" is all about trying to reach out to an alternative to the one we're force fed everyday. Western Europe and the United States in its culture of "Blame someone else", festering in a sickening stew of legal "non-culpability&quo t; and the denial of responsibility that is the automatic stance when anything goes wrong is the WORST possible way for us to behave.

09:57 - We do everything we want to do with minimal consideration for the consequences, and when something goes wrong, we all stand behind lawyers and say, "Prove I screwed up". What kind of lesson is that to teach developing nations? To teach children... "Even if you know you've done wrong, pretend you haven't, find a lawyer and refuse to acknowledge responsibility for your own actions..." WAKE UP!

09:58 - How pathetic is that...? And before I go off on a total tirade about this, I want to try and keep your attentino and ask you to listen to that. PLEASE. And that's what "Trying to Reach You" is all about.

09:59 - This is FallingCarefully, prising the half-closed under carriage panel off my ankle because the incessant beeping of the alarm is stopping me catching some sleep, and if the bloody co-pilot hits me on the head with a spanner again to try and dislodge me so the doors can shut properly I'm really going to get peeved.

10:01 - Til next time, carry on.

10:21 - An early start for today folks, so early in fact, I beat the coffee machine into action.

10:22 - Yes folks this is the Desk of the Sell Out with not one ounce of coffee...kind of like talking to a crack addict that ISN'T off their heads.

10:23 - On thinking about it, I firmly believe that George Bush is right...just kidding, NO ONE could be that un-toxified as to believe that...but then again, half of the Yanks do.

10:24 - So conundrum for the day, as a freelance villifier of all things badly thought out and desperately in need of a damm good kick up the arse, I have noticed one tiny weeny little issue...why is it that its all or nothing with you lot...?

10:25 - Either the government is up to its neck in crap, hurricanes are tearing down major cities and the war's they're waging are all going on at the same time, creating so much social confusion that its impossible to pin any one culprit down because people's Starbuck driven bonces are so all over the place, they're never too sure which arguments are key....or it's absolutely bloody silent...?

10:26 - Nothing, silence, quiet, not a sausage, everyone's apparently behaving, no one's confessing to anything and the news is just dull....its time's like these when my workload reduces to nil and you're forced to read made up news like this.

10:27 - Its an especially interesting point if you think abot it because it is a fundamental issue that relates to the whole "spin" and "PR survival thingy". Everytime the government, any "democratic government", is under severe media pressure, suddenly there are a whole flurry of issues that arise to distract the public...ooh how convenient, evryone runs around fluttering about their particular issue and because no one key voice stands up and says, STOP THE BLOODY WAR, and despite the lunacy, keeps saying it, the media get bored, and consequently so does the public. Hence, government off the hook.

10:28 - They've got you idiots by the nuts, you know that don't you. You drive around in your little BMW's, drinking Frappa-Spunk-o's, wishing for your next holiday "away from all the pressure" (YOU WOULDN'T KNOW PRESSURE IF IT BIT YOU), buying e-Puds and Laptops, and CD's and whinging about the availability of sweat shop produced Chinese clothing when the stores are over-flowing...

10:29 - Here's one for ya...Look around yourselves and pick ONE person out of the crowd, and ask yourselves how much clothing that person probably owns?

10:30 - Let's say on average, he or she owns 20 shirts, 4 or 5 pairs of trousers, 15 pairs of pants and 15 pairs of socks, 3 or 4 pairs of shoes....and 2 or 3 jackets...and that's erring on the low side for you lot ok....NOW LOOK AT ALL THE STORES ON EVERY HIGH STREET, IN EVERY VILLAGE, IN EVERY TOWN AND EVERY CITY IN YOUR COUNTRY...Then imagine the surpluses sat in warehouses waiting to be brought in because of "demand"...

10:31 - We could stop the whole process and clothe everybody in the entire world comfortably right this bloody instant...but we're not going to are we...cos our profit margin would be affected. Because "that's not the way the world works", because because because...make up you're own reason why you won't fight for what's right and not just what you want.

10:32 - You're all in my bad books now...sulking, angry, grumpy, SORT YOURSELVES OUT people, you're evil and you're not trying hard enough.

10:33 - This is FallingCarefully, absolutely certain that my readership is dwindling because the first rule of Greedy Club is don't criticise anyone, they'll stop listening to you no matter how much sense you make. The second rule of Greedy Club is to give away free stuff to rich people to help promote Greedy Club, the third rule of Greedy Club is....

10:34 - Carry on...like I'm gonna make you guys hear sense...

19:28 - Sometimes this job has its perks.

19:29 - So there I was sat in the waiting area of Luton cargo terminal (Yes the boss sent me as a package courier, its very cheap but you 're treated as if you're the package...I'm not kidding either)

19:30 - When suddenly he calls me and goes, hold the flight, I've got a job for you Falling...ever heard of a band called the Mystery Jets? Er, no I replied. "What?! he choked down the phone...I tensed...I mean I was supposed to be on the cutting edge now wasn't I...

19:31 - Never mind, get back to central London and get downt o the Isle, they're waiting for you for an interview...

19:32 - So being lightning quick and flexible as bamboo, I dived into a cab and torched the traffic all the way down there. And fair enough, there these cats were.

19:33 - They treated me to some really up beat accoustics that made the brian just tingle and jump and me being me, I bought them coffee before we had our chat ... I won't give the details away, but The Mystery Jets...you heard it here first!

19:34 - DOn't argue, albums out MOnday...that's UK, sorry Yam Ramica...you carry on with your gun crazed gangsta crap, we got taste sould and style over here in OLD europe.

19:35 - This is FallingCarefully humming a damm groovy tune as I head back for the "over-sized package" waiting area wondering if envelopes get served inflight meals on Taiwanistanee airways...hmmm

19:36 - Carry on.

11:44 - In the wonderful world of bling, Blog's work wonders. In the less impressive world of Blong, blig's just don't cut it!

11:45 - Morning all...just.

11:46 - This is FallingCarefully guardian of today's cynical stone of honesty and disillusion wondering why truth, and for that matter peace, doesn't sell and everyone seems so drawn to the glittery baubles of schmaltz and chintz!

11:47 - What pulls our seemingly well-educated, intelligent, cilvilised (ha ha ha h ah h forgive me) brains inexorably towards piles of shiny things that glitter and twinkle and promise escape from honesty, delusion and sacrifice and yet never deliver...always leaving the fooled searching for the next glittery, twinkly lie to hang all their hopes with...

11:48 - Cynical honesty is a painful cross for me to bear, and if you had any sense you'd realise that I am not only the martyr to that cause, but I am also the conscience that should be in everyone if they weren't all so busy chasing down the dream. But don't worry, there's no need to thank me, I'll be fine just as soon as my latest portable GPS enabled DVD games console upgrade card interface cover arrives from eBay.

11:49 - The sweatshop children of Upper Taiwanistan have been slaving for pennies for it, and because I believe in the immortal words "capitalism, democracy, success, global village, business, civilisation, porogress" and that all-time special ethos that "if you're not a winner ,your opinion is totally unimportant" then I'm fine Jack, who cares about you...

11:50 - Someone please tell me you can see the over-riding, horrendously OBVIOUS problem with that...please

11:51 - If you open your complimentary Desk of the Sell-Out packs, you'll find a free, postage paid marsupial (randomly selected so as to avoid offending the Marsupial Postage Equal Rights for Differentially Sized Marsupials League). All you need to do is include your opinion on it somewhere and get it off to the usual address. Desk of the Sell-Out Generation..., 3 Quick Stripped Pants, Melton Mowbray SE XY1

11:52 - This may be the last you hear from me for awhile as the editor is sending me on assignment. I am being shipped off by 3rd class travel to the farthest corners of the world to find out what life is like on the other side of the consumer fence.

11:53 - This is FallingCarefully, packing my neoprene, waterproof, theft proof, breathable, camel water carrying, GPS-enabled rucksack, with body heating glow socks, with solar-powered vent cooled pullovers and with a healthy dose of data-ready, fibre enhanced, love-match cereal bars in a rainbow array of artificially preserved metallic paint before seeking the latest trendy way to travel 2 miles to the airport...Lust Love Cab, Interminably Terminal Bound Train, or walk...oooh how adventurous...

11:54 - Tune in again when you can...

10:29 - Morning all.

10:30 - My rant-o-sphere is knackered this morning so you're stuck with just ordinary conversation...good weekends had by all then?

10:31 - The coffee has kicked in, but the brain is rebellingly furiously...actually its not, its just taken to sulking in the back of my head and refusing to come up with anything coherent whilst humming Copacabana at me just to be annoying.

10:32 - I tried nuke-toxing it into life with a triple 'spresso with an extra one on top, but the bastard is now just jabbering frantically at me about bills I haven't paid and wouldn't it be great to do 12 things at once, none of which seem relevant.

10:33 - Having said that, in the past 60 seconds I have done 5 of those things, but the brain has now shut down...

10:34 - You may be wondering how this stuff is still spewing without the brain controlling it. If you were a regular reader you'd be well aware that nothing I have ever typed here has been clearly thought through, this rant is instinctive. Stream of consciousness bitter vitriol, it is THE product of a politcally barren society with liberal views and a densensitisation to all of the moral issues that used to plague our ancestors.

10:35 - So now what...well that's up to you...

10:36 - This is FallingCarefully reading over the instruction book for how to reboot a terminally coffee'd brain that just doesn't respond to "nice" or "in moderation" or "gentle coaxing". I had a large stick round here somewhere...that might come in handy...

10:37 - Carry on...I'll catch up in a bit

12:06 - Today's conundrum. Why is it, that no matter which tap I turn on, I get the opposite effect for the first 5 minutes...?

12:07 - Cold tap...comes out warm, you have to run it to let it cool down. Hot tap, comes out freezing and you have to run it for 5 minutes before it warms up...? Weird anne weird!

12:08 - Hi there, larger than life, living it large, larger than large in fact. Things are tickety boo in la-la land and the editor's got me chasing up new and untried sources in an attempt to derive greater and greater reader numbers from an already disinterested herd.

12:09 - How do I reach you lot then I? Answers please with Wombat Postal Security to the usual address, Desk of the Sell Out, c/o Fallingcarefully, Melton Mowbray, Quick Stripped Pants, Humberside, SE XY1 :)

12:10 - COme on, seriously. You're destroying the planet and its taken me and some rather boffiny scientists more than 15 years to get you to actually listen to what we were saying. We were right, but you didn't listen...was it cos we were boffiny, or was it cos our views (again, WHICH WERE RIGHT) would have meant you lot having to curtail your selfish self-interest.

12:11 - Answer this, if you can. When a horrific natural disaster affects thousands or even millions of people on the far side of the planet, the bleeding heart MIDDLE ENGLAND Daily Mail readership bleats and cries for "the babies". The little one's who've lost everything and who now live in poverty and desolation. These bleeding heart whinge bags start fantastic campaigns to raise money to send blankets and help.

12:12 - WHY DON'T THEY SODDING CHANGE THEIR WAYS, so that theose natural disasters don't kill them all in the first place?

12:13 - Is that really such a stupid question, or is it, ONCE AGAIN just another question that these blind BMW owning MORONS just don't want to ask, because it would mean that finally, once and for all, they would ahve to start taking some bloody responsiblity for their life style and selfish disgraceful behaviour...

12:14 0 That would mean recycling...ooh! USING PUBLIC TRANSPORT and leaving the 3rd family car ffrom time to time, or even selling it, buying a bicycle, cycling to work, saving hte environment AND getting healthy. How about using fewer plastic bags when you go to the convenience supermarket whose motive is profit AND NOT THE GOOD OF THE PLANET!  What about NOT having to have olive oil from a special place in Tuscany just cos bloody Jamie Oliver says its the best. How much environmental damage does transporting all those luxury goods round the world to satisfy your greedy life styles actually do...do you know...NAH course you bloody don't!

12:15 - Honestly, which is better for the world as a whole? Considerate self-LESS behaviour that may mean a little bit of self-sacrifice on your part? Or the pathetic conscience salving idiocy of time and again, donating £5.00 via direct debit to some self-serving charity just to make yourself feel better about being a totally self-absorbed group of people with NO redeeming features and the keys to a second BMW.

12:15 - The scientists and I were right 15 years ago....the editor is wrong, I am not going to start playing dfferent tunes until you lot WAKE THE BLOODY HELL UP!

12:16 - GET ON WITH IT!

22:39 - 15/2/2006 - That's the Euopean clock ok...I want to ask all my fellow readers what the difference is between the American government and the criminals of the Nazi atrocities of the SECOND WORLD WAR?

22:40 - Its the only question. Guantanamo Bay, Abhu Graib, CIA Flights to secret European bases for torture where "individuals" are submitted to "Un-Constitutional&q uot; torture without legal recourse, and are are then used to provide "hicks", sorry, "well-informed US Army representatives with intensively well-reserached back-ground information" to kill "non-AMerican dissenters" with....

22:41 - OK...you may disagree, that's your right... but do you really believe that America is any less disgraceful in any of its activities than any other nation when thousands of Iraqi's have died at the hands of the "American government spreading democracy", of the "American government protecting its shores (in Cuba)", of the "Americans massacring Afghani's because they don't do what American soldiers tell them to", of American soldiers who massacred Koreans, "of the Americans that "massacre North Vietnamese simply because these arrogant ignorant morons couldn't identify them as North or South Vietnamese because they never understood or were taught that other cultures existed ... AND ARE EQUALLY VALID!!!!!!!!!!! 

22:42 - And what about the idea that maybe their way of life, the Iraqis, the Cubans, the Koreans, the Afghanis albeit it different, is ok ... I mean really, c'mon, is democracy perfect ... and fuck OFF if you have a knee-jerk to that one ok... REALLY... GET A GRIP!!!!!

22:43 - You make me hate you, you really  do because you don't think. When you learn to, then I'll listen to you, but stop being so simple... please!

22:44 - Please...try!

10:03 - And so, once again, I must leave you.

10:04 - Is it because I is too ascerpic, or is it cos I isn't funny? Who can tell.

10:05 - In the past few months I feel I may have donated a small amount of bitter vitriol to the communal pot to try and return the general balance after the billions and billions of gallons of stinking lying "happy happy joy joy" propaganda you're fed on a daily basis.

10:06 - I am not a conspiracy theorist, I am not a paranoid computer fruit hiding in the dark behind a pizza paunch, and bullshit rhetoric.

10:07 - I am a journalist, first class, or the Nerdt Veldt of Kundistan. Standing proudly on the precipice with the sun setting behind me and greying locks of unwashed, yet oh so honest hair, flowing behind me in the artificially created "breeze" that makes me....WAIT WAIT WAIT. NO

10:08 - That's not it at all. I am a voice of reason in the sea of scrappy, litter strewn rubbish that we are all swimming in. The only difference between you and me is that I found some string and am trying to tie a raft together out of the crap that's floating around with us. If we all pull together and get some of that crap together and help each other we can all get on a bigger and better raft and head for sanity.

10:09 A few hints for us to bear in mind:

1) George Bush is NOT allowed on our boat.

2) Our boat will be powered by us and not some irreplaceable fuel that needs to be burnt in such a way that it kills everything for a million years - sorry BNFL.

3) Our boat will not tolerate the words, white, black, woman, man, old or young. Until you idiots stop labeling each other as seperate people we're never going to understand the concept that we're ALL JUST PEOPLE.

4) Drugs will be legal on the boat, and yes that does include coffee (:-)

5) Football however, won't!

10:12 - Ladies and gentlemen, from FallingCarefully to all of you faithful readers, thank you for your patience, and I sincerely hope that some of the messages of glorious light and a beautiful democratic dawn, have been completely eradicated from mind so that we can get on with the reality we actually live in, which is NOTHING like the BULLSHIT they feed us.

10:13 - So from me to you, until the next time I am able to worm my way into somewhere that has broadband so I can abuse the internet priviliges of the gainfully employed whilst pretending to be worthy of a payslip...

10:14 - Carry on.

10:59 - That's it, I've had enough!

11:00 - Up until now I have firmly believed that although suicide bombers are fundamentally abhorrent people, the Islamic cause was one driven by continual frustration and the heavy handed bully tactics of Western economics, thereby driving frustrated Islamic people to take drastic action. In a twisted way, I suppose I didn't support there actions, but I understood them.

11:01 - HOWEVER, that support and that understanding have been whole-heartedly withdrawn. As a card carrying member of the Expense Account fuelled piss-head club called journalists, I must vehemently scream into a megaphone my total and utter hatred for morons that think censorship of "ink on paper" is a good way to control people.

11:02 - YOU IGNORANT STUPID BASTARDS!

11:03 - For all those mindless Islamic idiots that stood around in London last week carrying placards saying, "Butcher the people who mock Islam", or "Prepare for the Real Holocaust" stand up and join the ranks of stupidity that include Hitler, Chairman Mao, Stalin, Mussolini and even George Bush, the CIA and all the other stupid morons, idiots, pillocks and total bastards that think censorship is a good idea and necessary.

11:04 - For a start, if we did believe in censorship, and "thought control" as you seem to wish we would, you'd all be in prison now for carrying stupid placards like that. So you're already as ignorant as the people you're complaining about.

11:05 - Secondly you morons, what kind of IDIOTS represent their "tolerant" religion's position in a civilised modern society with the idea that you're going to "Butcher" people. How F***ING stupid are you?

11:06 - One of you idiots, and I use that term in its wholest and utterest sense, came to a protest dressed as a suicide bomber. On a purely sensible note, he was bloody lucky the police didn't execute him on sight. Not out of malice, but because in this day and age, I'm sure there are plenty of people who, after the 7th of July, are backing the policy of shoot first and ask later...despite what happened to Jean Charles de Menenzes (RIP).

11:07 - How insensitively ignorant should we allow people like you to behave before we stop you? Do you want to rally the BNP cause even further that it is already rallied? Do you want to find people joining skin-head and hate organisations because your actions demonstrate a fundamental ignorance of sensitivity?

11:08 - And the killer blow, yes the Danish newspapers were insensitive to your religion... I agree, but for God's sake grow up. It was a cartoon on paper, its not going to hurt the Islamic religion, its not going to kill anyone or even leave anyone slightly injured...you WILL get over it, like we will get over you and your stupid friends threatening to Butcher us....whose insensitivity is the worse?

11:09 - This is still FallingCarefully asking for some tolerance and maturity, but having a horrible feeling that my words will go unheeded in this selfish place of self-gratification, egotism, and hatred that are fed daily by idiots that believe indivudality and sels-satisfactoi n are more important than a greater good.

11:10 - STOP...whatever it was you were doing, just stop and think for a minute please.

11:30 - You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses, and the pig got up and slowly walked away.

11:31 - Take a bow please Mr Lewis Carroll, however never has this theory been more relevant. Just swap some of the issues and you have a genuine barometer for the degrading shallow-ness of some of these Sell Out Generationers...

11:32 - Swap "boozing" for "shopping" and "company" for "franchises"...see

11:33 - Our nations traditions, values, tastes, character and life-style are being swamped under a thick, sticky, sweaty, sacharine layer of franchised turds. MacDonalds, Starbucks, Tesco's, Gap, M&S, Pizza Hut, Muji, WHSmiths, Boots, Sainsbury's, Kentucky Fried, Tennessee Fried, Alabama Fried, Deep Fat Fried, Little Chef, Burger King and on and on and on and on and on!!!

11:34 - WHY does a society of relatively well-educated people thrive on the character-less, soul-less, flavour-less imitations of genuine food and style that these chains of conformity spew out with increasing levels of PR to distract you from the fact that if you had a choice, you'd never bloody go anywhere near the drivel they produce. Be it food or fashion or designer gadgets...

11:35 - Think about it...would anyone who knew anything about photography buy a camera from Dixons, or would they go to a camera specialist? Would anyone who knew anything about cooking shop at Sainsbury's...or does Jamie Oliver only appear in their ads cos he's paid to...where does he shop...Bloomin expensive deli's where he can get REAL FOOD WITH FLAVOUR!

11:36 - I, FallingCarefully hereby ask...no...beg the citizens of this soul-less wantonly lazy land to stop shopping at these shit holes "just because its convenient". That's not a good enough reason to lose centuries os culture, traditions, flavours, heritage, skills and on and on.

11:37 - The quality products are still available but not for long. Go down your high street and ignore the "one-stop shop" supermarket and find a fishmonger (if you can), a butcher, a greengrocer and a baker...they are dying arts unless you lot, get off your lazy convenience soaked bums, and march those dinky feet up and down a little. Think of the benefits!

11:38 - 1) You get excercise walking and carrying shopping. 2) You get to meet the people in your local area which is great for the community. 3) You get to buy different tasty food.

11:39 - This is FallingCarefully set ting the standards for you to live by and reporting any indignant moaning when some crawly little Slacker Sell Out bugger complains because he doesn't want a to sacrifice any of his easy, wealthy, bloated, sycophantic life-style choices for the sake of a better world for EVERYONE, and not just him and his slapper bitch brood-crazy bimbo of a Heat reading girlfriend, to live in.

11:40 - Plunging icy daggers into the hearts of all the bastards that could ever help me climb the ladder so I'm not tempted...CARRY ON.

13:21 - As a fully fledged alco-pop journo, of disreputably loose standards, I have always felt it my duty to inform the general public of the downright fraudulent members of my profession that make me look positively honourable.

13:22 - The time, 11:37, the place Brick Lane Bagel Shop in London. A popular 24 hour cafe that does really good bagels, if you like that sort of thing. It also serves as a social hub for the nightlife in the Bangla-Town Streets it sits on, as well as all the roaming goons, and local inhabitants too.

13:23 - Stood there this morning munching my salt beef bagel when a very attractive young lady, wearing a very expensive camera walks up to me and says, are you local? Well, as the edge of chaos where you can get a good coffee and a salt beef bagel for less than £3.00 at any time of day or night is my patch I said yeah, I'm local. Her next words were a minefield...for her...not me...read the following transcript and see what you think.

11:39 (am) - Transcript between yours truly and "attractive young be-camera'd filly"

YF - What do you think about Mr Galloway going into the Big Brother house?

FC - I think he was doing what he needed to do to keep his profile up, and bring attention to Shoreditch's issues. By being in there he's kept people talking about what's going on in Shoreditch.

YF - Why, don't you think he's wasting tax payers money and his constituents time?

FC - How many MP's take extended junkets, and don't show up at the Houses of Parliament, they're not being vilified for using tax payers money and not "doing their jobs".

YF - Er, yeah thanks, sorry that's no use for my story.

FC - Your story...what are you a reporter?

YF - Yeah we're doing another slag off Galloway piece and we're looking for people round here that don't like him.

FC - Any luck?

YF - No everyone seems to think he's good for the community but that's no use to me.

FC - Why not?

YF - The editor wants to say how people hate the man. If I come back with everyone saying they like him he'll kill me.

FC - So your editor actively wants you to make up the news. Isn't it news that although all the papers WANT us to hate him, we actually like him. Wouldn't that be a story for you.

YF - Nah sorry, I work for the Evening Standard.

FC - Ahh...go away please.

13:30 - The sycophantic scumbags responsible for the Daily Mail that print London's premiere local daily newspaper the Evening Standard have now been confirmed to be making up the news. Previous speculation has been undeniably and unutterably confirmed. The Daily Mail Empire is a fraudulent stack of shit.

13:31 - This is FallingCarefully, smugly sitting back and basking in the glow that my news may be entertaining as well as far fetched, but at least its got more character integrity and honesty than any of the shite you'd pay for if you were a Middle England drone that believed the Daily Mail's CRAP! That's the DAILY MAIL an empire that includes the Evening Standard and the free morning Metro as well as the free Standard Lite...published by fraudulent charlatans and paid for by you...

13:32 - Stick with the Sell Out Generation folks, we're small, cult classy and accurate.

13:33 - Roll on the revolution!

NB - Owing to needlessly complex posting format templates and the fact that tBlog seem to believe that the use of paragraphs in the English language is "advanced" as opposed to just normal, I am reposting-this one is a day late, however and a post has been added in between. But hey if I can't work it out, you probably can, so go backwards, start from the end and work your way back so that you end up at the beginning. Or something...carry on

=============== 

 11:05 - Bath tub

11:06 - Repeat after me.... BATH TUB

11:07 - Following the goons as they raised from one red traffic light to another this morning in the herd's panic hour I was nearly killed by a man in a white van.

11:08 - Hardly surprising I hear you say, but so what right?

11:09 - Well, this white van was one of this classic old school versions with the top and back cut off and converted into an open backed transporter.

11:10 - Standrad white van man's view of mirrors..."Something the missus spends bloody hours in front of wasting valuable lager time"...they aren't that deep as a race goes....

11:11 - So there I am riding along with the traffic, contemplating how to get all my fans to stop trampling the next door neighbours flower beds as they wait for a glimpse of me at the window, when this prick cuts right in front of me...at 45, he hits my front wheel he is that close...

11:12 - "F~@{ING W@NKER"'s issue forth from my mouth and I pull up next to his window at the traffic light to explain just what I think of his driving, and he's on his mobile, AND reading a newspaper at the same time...and all he could say after he rolled down the window was ....

11:13 - Yup... Bath Tub.

11:14 - He was delivering a bath tub and was late, so he'd been in a rush...

11:15 - What could I say that would have got through to him...?

11:16 - So in honour of this man's most blinding and deadly stupidity with NO realsiatin of what he was doing whatsoever, I would like to suggest the following:

11:17 - The FallingCarefully Purple Spot Campaign for Motorbike and Bicycle Safety.

11:18 - If you own a bike, or a motorbike then please go and buy small round purple stickers. Whenever you get cut up of cut off by some inconsiderate c@nt, if you get the chance at the next traffic light, apply one to the back of the offending tosser...

11:19 - Why? Because eventually it'll give us a chance to avoid the morons that put our lives in danger. The police can't do anything about these idiots so we need to do something ourselves...

11:20 - This is FallingCarefully nullifying the social contract I and fellow riders have with the authorities becasue they haven't held up their side of the bargain. I am no longer safe on the roads, and nothing is being done about it.

11:21 - To ARMS!!!!!

12:41 - Back with a vengeance kids.

12:42 - The call to arms has once again proved successful. The streets of London this morning were full of BMW drivers fighting with cyclists and motorcycle riders. The cars were smothered in small circular purple stickers and even some spray paint...ARE YOU GETTING THE MESSAGE YET?

12:43 - According to my sources, its official. Global warming is in full swing, so what does the modern BMW do...he sets up a direct debit for £10 a year to go to Greenpeace to salve his upset wife's conscience and make her think he's sensitive to issues, then he gets in his tosser mobile and races off down to the pub for (6 or 7) swift halves before getting back in his petrol fuelled wank wheels to drunkenly molest and harass cyclists and motorbike owners everywhere.

12:44 - It comes down to a fundamental issue of respect. 9 times out of 10 a Nissan Micra owner will give a cyclist loads of room, aware that they are vulnerable. BMW's? They drive as close as possible, revving their engines as hard as they can...

12:45 - Question is, who wins their race to the lights...the cyclist, cos they amble up to the light, and carefully pass the BMW up to the front of the queue. So BMW dick has to start all over again from the beginning...do they learn...do they leave more space for the safety of the cyclist...NAH course not...refer to the instruction manual of any BMW and rule number 1 is to put on the twat sunglasses, and pink dress shirt with white collar...Rule 2 is "You now are a BMW owner, drive like a twat!"

12:46 - This isn't just a Sell Out Generation thing. American BMW owners are the same, only they own more gold. German BMW owners are like the epitomy of the moronic gene. 220kph up behind you on the autobahns flashing their lights as though you're supposed to vanish just cos they've shown up.

12:47 - In the war against mindless social behavioural patterns, I think the isolation of these people would probably leave a vacuum in modern thinking and social prioritising that would make room for some common sense, slightly less formulaic pap, and a chance for the people who think before acting to get a word in edgeways and not just be shouted down by people whose favourite phrases are things like "What difference will my actions make" and "Everyone else does it so why shouldn't I" and this journos all time favourite, "Why should I try!"

12:48 - This is FallingCarefully gingerly removing the body armour I'm forced to wear because I can't trust the other road users to treat me as such. 1 helmet (bulletproof - no really), 1 armour plated jacket with shoulder, elbow and back protection built in. 1 pair of high tech trousers with bum, knee and hip protectors. 1 pair of reinforced boots. Armour plated gauntlets...and so on...

12:49 - Carry on.